Yeah I'm there.

*sigh*

ok.. Sometimes I drive myself crazy because I think so much I can't stand it. I'm not sure what ever happened that made me such a deep person, but sometimes I wish I could look at things in a more simpler way. Here lately I've had to stop everything and take three steps back just to get a clear view of exactly what is going on.

1) So my mom just had a baby. Jazzy is 8 weeks old now, and my whole world revolves around her. I am in love with that little girl. She still has the cutest smile and the cutest cry I've ever heard.

But a lot of times. the little angel gets fussy. A LOT of times. and with me going into my senior year, having a baby in the house is g)oing to be somewhat.. challenging. oh boy.

2) And since I am a teenage girl, (and since I am, well, me) there are always those issues with teenage boys. The ones that dump you for their job, and the ones that keep talking to you and flirting with you but don't have time for a girlfriend, and the ones that are perfect for you but just too dang young and it doesn't even matter cause they're moving to Georgia on your 18th birthday. There are always those issues.

3) Also, now that I am a senior there's a new worry -DUN DUN DUUUUUUH!- college. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I know I really gotta keep my grades up this year so maybe I can have a hope at getting an academic scholarship. And maybe I can get one off my horn too. That's what I really want to do, play my horn. But I'm not sure what kind of job that would give me after college. And I have to have an audition piece prepared very soon.

oh dang.

Lord help me.

 

Yeah so I made the mistake of falling for my ex's bull about he loves me and he's grown up. He met the slightest bit of resistance from friends and all of a sudden he's not sure how he feels about me anymore. Yeah.. that crap didn't last long. I told him I don't have time for his crap anymore and that I won't ever make that mistake again. The saddest part of the whole deal was that I lost a friend in the process because I'm so tired of him hurting me I can't even talk to him anymore.

Oh well. His loss.

On another note, I have realized and come to accept that having Jesus in my heart and conscience has made me so much more mature than other teenagers my age, and I'm really not going to find a boy to fulfill all of my hearts desires in highschool. I have decided to cut all of that drama out of my life and just go out and have fun with friends and flirt without trying to find a soulmate. It really is useless when all the guys out there my age are so far behind my maturity level.

I guess once the heart knows love, you unconsciously find yourself looking for it in every person of the opposite sex you come across, but I really see now that it is something worth waiting for. I am just going to have fun living life right now. :] 

so.. my last boyfriend didn't work out so well. BUT we are still just the same friends that we always were, if not better, and i still talk to him every day. aaaannndd.. i have set my sights on someone else. :] The last boyfriend wasn't really as loving and affection as I would have liked, but an old friend/ex of mine(/love of my life) got to talking again last night, and I've missed him so much. I've not really been happy with anyone since him, and when we broke up it devastated me, but I knew in my heart that if he felt the same way, we'd find each other again. Since we seperated he has come back to me numerous times and admitted that he can't find anyone as good as me and he is still in love for me. Now there's nothing standing in our way, and we've grown up a lot since the last time we were together. Looks like everything is working out for the best. :D

So my boyfriend and I are so different in so many ways it's not even funny. We have opposite music choices, style choices, friend choices, life rules choices, and probably some others that we haven't discovered yet.

But I love him. There's not a thing in me right now that sees any reason to leave him. Of course I don't know if we'll be together forever or anything, but I do know that right now in the present he makes me the happiest I've felt in a while. I've learned to love everything about him, inluding our odd, mis-(yet somehow)matched personalities. I love the fact that he's really quiet even though I probably talk more than any normal person should, because he listens when that's all I need. I've even learned to love the fact that he's not touchy feely in public even though I sometimes prefer it, because I can look in his eyes in a room full of people and melt because I know exactly what he's saying to me without even having to touch him, and that means so much more. It also makes it all the more special when he reaches over and wraps his pinky around mine sitting at a table with our friends. It's like we have secret messages.

Which is why of course I would be hurt to the bone marrow when he came to me with yet another topic we don't and never will agree on-the military. He's loved guns and learning about them and shooting them and looking at them and being around them all of his life. He loves to hunt and play airsoft games with his friends, so I guess it only fits. However, when we were talking that day and he casually mentioned that he is going into the military like it is no big thing, I distinctly remember my stomach hitting the pavement. No way. No. I will not let this happen. I can't. All of my life I have been a peaceful person and never have I believed that warfare does anyone a bit of good. How can I let this boy that my world revolves around put himself in such a harmful situtation?

Since that night he has not wavered on his path, and I have not wavered in my beliefs, though he has explained to me that his real interest is in small arms repair and that area significantly reduces the harm risk. I still don't trust it or agree with it, but he's gonna do what he feels is right. I have realized something. 

This is his dream. I can not and have no right to take this from him. He has never discouraged me from mine. There would be no less danger if he had confessed to me the passion and goal in becoming a missionary. I have to let him do what he wants to do.

That does not mean that I will leave his side though. This coming up Friday he will take the military qualifying exam to see where they would place him, and I pray that he gets the opportunity for the job he wants. I pray. Oh God, I pray. I pray every night that whatever God has in store for us together or apart will happen just as His Will will allow it. I pray that God keeps his hand on our futures and above all takes care of my baby.

And I sit.

And  I wait.