I am here to tell you that I am so sick and tired of all these "BIG" businesses getting bailed out and the average American taking it up the wazoo, so in an effort to find out just what in the name of Fanny Mae is going on I traveled to Washington and tried to aquire myself a bailout. below is the transcript from said meeting.

Dennis Kucinich: Ok..let's call this meeting to order. We're almost finished here, and have one last request to hear. I'm so sick of sitting on these phone books all day.

Chris Dodd: It appears we have one last bailout request...from a "Joseph" residing in Alabama. Can you explain why you are here sir?

Joseph: Yes. I am seeking a bailout package for myself. I am seeking 25 thousand dollars in government loans, which will certainly never be re-payed.

Dodd: Can you explain why you need this bailout?

Joseph: If I do not receive this money, I estimate that my family may run out of money by the end of the year, or early next year.

Dodd: What do you mean may?

Joseph: Well, it depends on if I purchase a Wii™. Also, if you guys could keep the gas prices low for a while, that would really be nice. My Jeep Cherokee™ only cost 57 dollars to fill up last week.

Dodd: A Jeep Cherokee™??!! If there is to be any bailout, then it should be tied to environmental conditions.

Joseph: My Mom always says its not the miles per gallon that matters, but the miles per gallon per passenger. I've got passengers in spades.

Dodd: What about your carbon footprint?

Joseph: Umm...I used to recycle plastic/paper/cardboard in my previous home.

Dodd: Previous??

Joseph: Yes. I moved, and this new city charges 5 bucks a month to recycle, and it just isn't worth it.

Richard Shelby: How would the bailout money be used?

Joseph: Hey Richard! I'm your homeboy from 'bama

Richard Shelby: That has nothing to do with the present matter just answer the question.(WAR EAGLE!! BTW)

Joseph: Richard you disappoint me.....but there are literally a handful of people who rely on the success of my income. Bankruptcy would be devastating to the vast number of people relying upon me.

Tim Johnson: How many rely on you?

Joseph: 5 not including me, but I would guess that our consumer spending keeps at least 1/5 of a person employed at Walmart™.

Johnson: Are you approaching bankruptcy?

Joseph: Well...no.

Johnson: Do you have a steady job?

Joseph: Umm...right now I do. But this money will enable me to push valuable money into the open market. I'm looking at a boat, a camp trailer, and a winter vacation would be nice.

Debbie Stabenow: I can't really see you through my tears and eye shadow, but I don't think we can offer you the money.

Joseph: I just purchased a home in the summer. Can I get some kind of kick-back?

Evan Bayh: Are you a first-time home buyer? Do you have a high cost adjustable rate mortgage? Did you practice poor money-management and purchase a home you couldn't afford?

Joseph: No.

Bayh: Then I'm afraid we have nothing for you.

Joseph: What if I become a bank? Could I get some money that way?

Dodd: Perhaps. We do have some funds available for bank holding companies. How much capital do you have to lend?

Joseph: Duh...none. That's why I need some money from you. Wait!! I did lend a buddy 8 bucks for lunch the other day. He still hasn't paid me back. He'll probably take me to Taco Bell™, and call it even. I hate that guy.

Dodd: 8 dollars? I'm sorry, but I don't think you qualify as a bank. Now, I believe we're finished here, so...

Joseph: I talked to Harry Paulsen, and he said I'd be able to at least score a little cash.

Dodd: Who's Harry Paulsen?

 Joseph: You know...that money guy.

Dodd: You mean Henry Paulsen?

Joseph: Oh yeah...I knew that. Harry is my Wachovia™ teller in my local branch. He still thinks I should get some money.

Joseph: Wait!! How about this. I will move to California, and vote No on proposition 8.

Dodd: This vote has already taken place, and has nothing to do with the bailout.

Joseph: Even if I wear a skirt and memorize the words to the "Rocky Horror Picture Show™?"

Dodd: Even then. Let me ask you one last question. Are you; unemployed, low-income, a first-time home buyer, fiscally irresponsible, displaced because of a natural disaster, living in Alaska, devoid of health insurance, or a disabled veteran?

Joseph: No.

Dodd: Then I believe we're finished here.

Joseph: Can I at least get my parking validated and a free meal at Arby's™