General

- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything pre-pared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

OMG! LOOK WHO'S BACK!

HELLO GUYS SORRY I HAVE BEEN AWAY FOR SO LONG, BUT I JUST HAVEN'T HAD THE TIME TO WRITE ANYTHING AND HONESTLY I FELT LIKE A HYPOCRITE AFTER MY LAST POST, SO I JUST STAYED AWAY...HOPE YOU ENJOY MY POST

I don't believe numbers are lucky, but my lucky number is three.

I picked it when I was a boy, at a donkey race. I bet on donkey three to win, and, as destiny had it, Old Stewball made me rich that day by a-dancing and a-prancing to victory. I purchased a Neopolitan ice cream bar with my winnings, which may explain why number three was forever imprinted in the area of my brain that believes luck isn't merely good fate.

Even to skeptics like me, three seems to be universally significant.

Take science, for instance. Atoms are made up of protons, electrons and neutrons. Three is the first odd prime number. The three basic chemical reactions are acid, base and salt. Lithium's third on the atomic chart, and the Earth's 33^rd most-abundant element.

In the arts, photographers and painters compose using the Rule of Thirds. Architects celebrate The Golden Ratio, approximately 3 by 5 feet. Jazz musicians form trios. Writers pen trilogies. Celebrities always die in threes-Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Ed McMahon passed between June 23 and June 25.

Religions aren't exempt. Christians believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit; for Hindus, it's Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva; Devout Muslims make pilgrimages to Mecca, Medina and Jerusalem; ancient Mayans thought three stars in Orion's constellation enclosed creation's smoke. The Bible alone is filled with trios, from Jonah's three-day excursion in a whale and three crosses on Golgotha, to Christ's resurrection after three days in the tomb.

Culturally, three is ubiquitous. The Chinese character for three is considered lucky because it sounds like the word for "alive."  Many Brits fear it's unlucky to light three cigarettes with one match. The French are fond of menage-a....well, let's just say they dirtied the number a little bit.

I still don't believe numbers are lucky. Just in case, though, this blog was written at 3 p.m. on July 30, a multiple of three whose digits add up to three, and it's precisely 333 words long.

WAKE UP DOTHAN VOICE!!! LETS ROCK DOTHAN ALABAMA.*

* IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I MEAN JUST SEND ME A MESSAGE AND I'LL EXPLAIN

Let me tell you about a friend of mine that cuts the roof of your mouth. It's not on purpose, but it's hard to make cereal without using the ever classic, sharp-cornered football shape. I'm talking about none other than the makin' it happen Cap'n himself, Cap'n Crunch. This guy is so old, he had a raspy voice in 1963. Well, him and Joe Camel.


I don't believe he's really a boat captain anyway. do you see anyone else on this ship besides a kindergarten field trip? Does this guy even have an education? What does he have to fall back on when the children find out he's really just Dave Thomas wearing shoulder fringe? At least the quaker oats guy sold real estate.

Am I really supposed to believe that there's anything happening other than bingo on this cruise? It's like the Love Boat without the love....and in it's place....some old guy without a crew, boring the crap out of children with bloody gums. The closest this ship ever gets to adventure and excitement is replacing his heart medication with crunch berries. swabbing the deck is just another term for shuffleboard. Come on, there's nothing short of failed attempts at the Cap'n killing himself via hyperventalation through a giant hat with a "C" on it. He'd have better luck trying to overdose on coke by helping his buddy Toucan Sam follow his nose. I mean, he doesn't have much to live for these days. Do you have any idea how disappointing it's got to be when you're so old you can barely gum your way through applesauce and your last name is Crunch?

Let's not forget that bastard of a cereal doesn't help at all. Ninjas make throwing stars out of that stuff. This old-timey freak slowly kills you through Anemia. The last time I checked, those ships had cannons; but no, this guy gets his revenge though breakfast. So, remember the next time you're eating this fan favorite, let it get soggy, or the Cap'n just might make it happen all over the inside of your mouth. He'll trade walking the plank for minor inconveniences any day.

Have you ever seen Galactic Crunch? Apparently, a sea captain went to space. Yeah, sure grandpa, you went to space...Did you remember to eat your crunch ber.....take your pills today?

Hello everyone I was just perusing the new stuff on Dothan Voice and noticed that we now have a chat room, and I got to thinking "Man there's alot of ppl on the site I would truly like to meet and get to know". So here's my offer to you, If you have ever wanted to ask me a question or just want to get to know me better let's all me in the chat room. The Writers Guild Room is one I set up so anyone who blogs or have thought about blogging can come in ask questions and get the info on how to start blogging, and with any luck the "Queen of Blogging" Sass  will join us (Thats a hint Sass) so if you read this tonight I will be in the chat room at 8:15 pm so see ya there.

Apparently, I've slipped up and made it known about my master plan to take over the world using three and a half billion chickens. Of course the plan also required four hundred thousand drums of tar and I'm not about to divulge that information any time soon. So, for the duration of this adventure, I will happily share my failed attempts at taking over the world. You of course, are more than invited to try your luck at these potential global domination techniques, but beware; by no means did you hear it from me.

List of World Domination Plans Gone Awry:

1. Become a world renown cocaine dealer, then cut the stashes with Bisquick and rule the drug world via buttermilk expansion.

2. Blow up all fish camps and Waffle Houses to starve the South into obedience. Then, use my "Hick Army" to shop only at Wal-Mart, at which time I will have 51% ownership.

3. Hire top scientists to create a drug that triggers PMS in pro-choice lesbians, have said drug laced in Birkenstock shoes for skin absorption, then sit back and watch the hijinx. Next, I will sponsor the next Lilith Fair and give the orders to kidnap all male world leaders.

4. Collect all of America's pennies using extremely poor immigrants and proceed to drop them one by one from the Empire State building. I shall then state my demands.

5. Invent PETA.
note: this plan is apparently under way and is strangely affective. People are dumber than I thought.

6. Convince Bill Gates that Dog the Bounty Hunter is after him. Once Gates flees for Mexico, change his Myspace password and send Christine Dolce a naughty email.
note: plan not intended for world domination...but it sounds like fun.

7. Carry out plan #6, but with Denise Richards instead.

8. Star in the most famous rock band in the world, then buy all remaining XBox 360's and Playstation 3's to eliminate the competition.

9. Invent Scientology.(sadly this attempt was adverted by a legion of Tom Cruise and John Travolta worshipers (oh I mean FANS)

10. Become a high-level World of Warcraft spellcaster, then proceed with next plan for world domination.

11. Pitch an idea for a character to Seth McFarland. Let him come up with ideas for me, then map out blueprints for the most successful one.

12. Pay Tony Danza ten dollars to interrupt a presidential broadcast and confuse middle America with non-consenant sounding rhetoric while I electronically send subliminal messages to children via Lite-Brights and take over the world by controlling the next generation.




Most of these seemed like good ideas at the time, but go figure..... At least I still have my chickens.

By the way, does anyone have any ranch dressing?

I'm convinced that some animals get depressed and suicidal.  Take the lowly bushy tailed rat, or more commonly referred to as a squirrel.  Squirrels can be really cool for awhile.  They'll be playing and chasing each other and then suddenly one just darts right under a car as it passes down the road.  Kamikaze style.  No  two ways about it.....That's suicide!

Cats are the same damn way.  Cats will sit along the roadside for hours checking out the scenery and scouting the 'hood for their next kill.  Then without warning a cars come down the street slowly and the cat jumps under the nearest tire.

Dogs are not quite as easily depressed as squirrels or cats.  I mean that their suicide rate is much lower than most animals.  Dogs are smart too.  Hell, I've seen some dogs chase cars for years and never once get caught under a wheel.  However, every once in awhile they'll be a down in the dumps doggy that figures it's time to check out.  He'll play like he's sleeping in the yard, and then when he hears a car... BAM!!!  it's another chapter of "All Dogs Goes to Heaven" (or Hell depending on your church's view on suicide)

People?  Hell, we're the smart ones.  We're expected to commit suicide from time to time.  That's just normal behavior for us.  I wonder if animals think that humans are just totally stupid?  I don't care as long as I don't have to eat my food out of a bowl on the floor and feel the urge to chase cars after I relieve myself on the tire.(ok there was that one time but no charges was filed)  Maybe animals aren't so smart afterall.

NOTE: I HOPE TO MEET EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU THURSDAY NIGHT AND THANK YOU IN PERSON FOR ALL THE GREAT COMMENTS ON MY BLOGS, YOU MAKE THIS LONELY TREE DWELLER ALL WARM AND FUZZY INSIDE(OK THAT MAY BE THE 2 WEEK OLD CHICKEN, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN).

                           SEE YA SOON

I am here to tell you that I am so sick and tired of all these "BIG" businesses getting bailed out and the average American taking it up the wazoo, so in an effort to find out just what in the name of Fanny Mae is going on I traveled to Washington and tried to aquire myself a bailout. below is the transcript from said meeting.

Dennis Kucinich: Ok..let's call this meeting to order. We're almost finished here, and have one last request to hear. I'm so sick of sitting on these phone books all day.

Chris Dodd: It appears we have one last bailout request...from a "Joseph" residing in Alabama. Can you explain why you are here sir?

Joseph: Yes. I am seeking a bailout package for myself. I am seeking 25 thousand dollars in government loans, which will certainly never be re-payed.

Dodd: Can you explain why you need this bailout?

Joseph: If I do not receive this money, I estimate that my family may run out of money by the end of the year, or early next year.

Dodd: What do you mean may?

Joseph: Well, it depends on if I purchase a Wii™. Also, if you guys could keep the gas prices low for a while, that would really be nice. My Jeep Cherokee™ only cost 57 dollars to fill up last week.

Dodd: A Jeep Cherokee™??!! If there is to be any bailout, then it should be tied to environmental conditions.

Joseph: My Mom always says its not the miles per gallon that matters, but the miles per gallon per passenger. I've got passengers in spades.

Dodd: What about your carbon footprint?

Joseph: Umm...I used to recycle plastic/paper/cardboard in my previous home.

Dodd: Previous??

Joseph: Yes. I moved, and this new city charges 5 bucks a month to recycle, and it just isn't worth it.

Richard Shelby: How would the bailout money be used?

Joseph: Hey Richard! I'm your homeboy from 'bama

Richard Shelby: That has nothing to do with the present matter just answer the question.(WAR EAGLE!! BTW)

Joseph: Richard you disappoint me.....but there are literally a handful of people who rely on the success of my income. Bankruptcy would be devastating to the vast number of people relying upon me.

Tim Johnson: How many rely on you?

Joseph: 5 not including me, but I would guess that our consumer spending keeps at least 1/5 of a person employed at Walmart™.

Johnson: Are you approaching bankruptcy?

Joseph: Well...no.

Johnson: Do you have a steady job?

Joseph: Umm...right now I do. But this money will enable me to push valuable money into the open market. I'm looking at a boat, a camp trailer, and a winter vacation would be nice.

Debbie Stabenow: I can't really see you through my tears and eye shadow, but I don't think we can offer you the money.

Joseph: I just purchased a home in the summer. Can I get some kind of kick-back?

Evan Bayh: Are you a first-time home buyer? Do you have a high cost adjustable rate mortgage? Did you practice poor money-management and purchase a home you couldn't afford?

Joseph: No.

Bayh: Then I'm afraid we have nothing for you.

Joseph: What if I become a bank? Could I get some money that way?

Dodd: Perhaps. We do have some funds available for bank holding companies. How much capital do you have to lend?

Joseph: Duh...none. That's why I need some money from you. Wait!! I did lend a buddy 8 bucks for lunch the other day. He still hasn't paid me back. He'll probably take me to Taco Bell™, and call it even. I hate that guy.

Dodd: 8 dollars? I'm sorry, but I don't think you qualify as a bank. Now, I believe we're finished here, so...

Joseph: I talked to Harry Paulsen, and he said I'd be able to at least score a little cash.

Dodd: Who's Harry Paulsen?

 Joseph: You know...that money guy.

Dodd: You mean Henry Paulsen?

Joseph: Oh yeah...I knew that. Harry is my Wachovia™ teller in my local branch. He still thinks I should get some money.

Joseph: Wait!! How about this. I will move to California, and vote No on proposition 8.

Dodd: This vote has already taken place, and has nothing to do with the bailout.

Joseph: Even if I wear a skirt and memorize the words to the "Rocky Horror Picture Show™?"

Dodd: Even then. Let me ask you one last question. Are you; unemployed, low-income, a first-time home buyer, fiscally irresponsible, displaced because of a natural disaster, living in Alaska, devoid of health insurance, or a disabled veteran?

Joseph: No.

Dodd: Then I believe we're finished here.

Joseph: Can I at least get my parking validated and a free meal at Arby's™

AP: The Tree, Ashford Al. -- I'm calling this press conference to set the record straight about my past performance. I need to address rumors that I took performance-enhancing substances to enhance my blogging.

First, bear with me. I'm a little nervous, or a lot nervous. Let me start by thanking fellow bloggers, and my half-dozen fans for your support.

Unfortunately, it is true that I also took substances in the past to increase my blogging performance.

On one hand, it's a little difficult to admit mistakes, but on the other hand, it feels good to move forward.

I took these substances in 2008 from July to September. I was posting far more regularly than

I do know, and humorous material was coming to me much quicker.

I screwed up big time!. Me and my cousin started taking substances that he got from the Dominican Republic. My cousin would supply me with things to keep my performance high.

When you're young and stupid, you're young and stupid.
I didn't know what effect the substances would have, or whether I was even taking them properly.

I would hope that we can move forward, and I would hope that you would judge me from this day forward.

This concludes the press conference, and no questions will be taken.

ESPN™ correspondent Tim Kurkjian:

You have just heard a stunning announcement that could forever hang over the career of this mediocre blogger.

Our crack investigative team has discovered more details into this shocking revelation. It has been found that for the period of time from July-Sep 2008, Joey's cousin was supplying him with Vero Mango™ candy, Chiclet's™ gum, and a vast quanities of AMP™ energy drink.

These items can be very dangerous when taken together, and will certainly help blogging performance.

Let's take a look at the stats, and you'll see the correlation.

In the July-Sep time frame, Joey had posts that not only attracted more visitors, but garnered several more comments that he's had at other times in his career. For example, take a look at:

It's all about BACON.
I'M ALMOST A GENIUS.
MY Friend Violated Me 

In addition, his posting percentages were astronomically higher. In this timeframe, he averaged almost 4 posts a week. He's lucky to put out 2 pieces of drivel a week in his current state. And have you read the stuff he has lately? He's starting to talk much more about his personal life, rather than put out a half decent humor piece. Who cares if he's growing a beard, or is working on finishing his basement.

Some may actually wonder if Joey should start taking these substances again, just so his material borders on the readable. In its current state, "SCENES FROM THE TREE™" should probably be rescined by blogger. He's an embarrasment to this profession,  What a shame.

 I want to thank all of you for your calls,cards and especially your prayers during my moms recent stay in the hospital she's home and resting comfortable and the outlook is good to a full recovery, you are all great people and I am  proud to call you my friends and again THANK YOU

NOW DOWN TO BUSINESS.

Top 10 positive things we should focus on in this poor economy.

1--Transformers 2 is considering dialing down the special effects from the first movie, and actually integrating a plot. No word on if they will merge Transformers 2, and Armageddon 2 into Transformageddon as they are basically the same movie.

2--Serial killers nationwide cannot afford to shop at Home Depot anymore. They will be forced to shop at Fred's Discount Tool Emporium, where sub-standard, more affordable tools can be purchased. Have you tried sawing a Femur in half with a Chicago Electric Reciprocating saw? The motor will die out before the second leg, forcing the killer to use a hack-saw. I think this could dissuade many from killing again.

3--All those Banana Hammocks you have been saving since 1979 could become chic as you can just say that a new swimsuit is "too expensive."

                               Notice the key around his neck, thats the key to his heart ladies
 

4--Every time your kids ask for money, you'll be able to respond that "We don't have any extra money because of the economy." I figure you can use this excuse for the next 14 years or so until they catch on.

5--There is bound to be a bunch of free concerts given as a "gift" to those that can't afford it. Bank on seeing Bon Jovi or the B-52's free in the next year.

                        That guy in the lower right-hand corner waited on me at Ruby Tuesday last weekend

6--You'll make many new friends begging for cash at the Walmart intersection. It's a direct correlation--Unemployment goes up, Walmart stop-light begging does too.

7--You can finally start using the skills you've learned on Man vs. Wild.

                             MMMM....Nothing like sundried zebra on the Serengeti to kill hunger
 

8--Hollywood won't be able to afford to pay Kevin Costner what he thinks he is worth, thus leading to no more bland 3 hour movies. (We'll leave this to Keanu Reeves)

9--There may finally be a use for all the rampant dog reproduction in Houston Texas as a new food source is discovered. (Seriously, have you ever been to Houston? I swear that on any random street, there are 7 wild dogs running around, and 3 of them are pregnant. Listen to Bob Barker.)

10--Washington will finally realize that the country is in economic peril, and put partisan politics and wasteful spending aside in order to look out for the American people.
They will put real stimulus into the economy and the vote will not fall along party lines.
No unnecessary spending for things like $50 million for the National Endowment for the Arts; $150 million for the Smithsonian; $400 million for global-warming research(which there is know such thing and if it is why did I freeze my butt off a few weeks a go), and $650 million more for Grandma to buy a digital TV box for her TV that hasn't seen electricity since 1994.

The future is looking brighter every day